At the Movies - The importance of videos in the fortress mentality
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Friday June 2^nd 2000

"Hasta la vista, baby" Arnold as the replacement terminator in Terminator 2 - this time on the side of truth justice and the American way. Maybe I can hire him from Security Unlimited (Pty) Ltd. to be the night guard at our house. "Sala hantle, baby."

All the ex-pats I know have VCR's. Videos are a very important source of entertainment and relaxation. I know that this is true in the USA, but it is different here. Here there is an air of desperation about it. First, videos are one form of entertainment that fits well with the fortress mentality and the "don’t go out at night" mindset. Second, you don't just pop down to Blockbuster Video to get the latest releases. Third, there is not much else to do. Fourth, 'new releases' at the South African Theatres have been on video in the states for six months or so. And lastly, Arnold Schwarzenegger blowing up half of NYC and "terminating" 30 or 40 baddies gives you a taste of home in this crime ridden foreign city.

We brought a bunch of videos with us -- children's videos. After the umpteenth showing of Blues Clues birthday party, we knew we needed some new videos. So it was as supplicants in dire straits that we asked our friends to make some tapes of "adult" movies for us. No! No! Noooooo! Not XXX rated movies. Come on, now - we are missionaries, after all, and have been married for nearly 23 years. We already know THAT position. 'Adult' here means not children's movies - no more Disney or Blues Clues

My old college room mate, Kornball, answered our prayers and taped a batch of top movies for us. Below, is the text of an email I sent back when we received the movies in the mail.

Dear Kornball & Karen,

Shipment arrived - like water to a poor wretch lost in the desert. The buzzards were circling but you saved the day. Great selection.
Already, the hyenas are at our heels. Just picked up the box a few hours ago and two movies have already been borrowed.
"PZ got a shipment of movies", one yelled.
"New Movies!!! " - the crowd echoed as they slathered and slobbered.
"Get them - Get them".
"BACK, YOU HOUNDS OF HELL, BACK" - I cried. "MINE! MINE! ALL MINE!"
But alas, two were commandeered. But it's okay. I have been one of the crowd, slathering and slobbering with orgasmic intensity as I pored over the movie collections of my friends. So it's only fair that those who have been generous with us in our need got a shot at seeing some of ours on arrival.

It can get pretty intense. I stop by a friend's house and chat. As I get ready to leave I quietly and politely inquire if I might borrow a movie or two. My outward demeanor belies my inner turmoil. My bowels are churning. My stomach is gurgling. My palms are sweaty. I stand so as to hide the twitch on my face from my hosts.
"Sure, help yourself" they say.
"Thank you", I say politely. "YESSS!" , I scream inside.
I walk to the movie case with my hands in my pocket to hide my shaking. The drive home is a blur. My brain is on fire and the road and the other cars are ghostly images. I get home. The wind is howling. Lois is glassy eyed. "Movie, movie, movieeeeee", we yell in unison. [insane laughter in the background]. Later on we sit in the living room among the detritus of unpopped popcorn and empty soda cans, burnt to a crisp like old hippies with bad acid. We could be models for the "Just say NO" campaign.

On another occasion, a friend says they are selling some movies.
"You're selling movies?" , I say brightly as I glance over the large collection. on the bookshelf.
"Not those", he says. "These".
He points to a small stack of six well used videocassettes. There are 3 movies to a cassette. I pick up the first. John Wayne. All three movies on the tape are John Wayne. I hate John Wayne. I pick up the second. Three more John Wayne. I have a bad feeling about this. I pick up the third. The same. I know what I will find on the other 3 movies. I glance at them quickly just to confirm that I am right. Six videocassettes for sale with 3 movies apiece. Eighteen John Wayne movies. I have got to be the unluckiest person in Maseru.
"Aaaaaaarrrrrrgh!!!", I cry.
"What's that?", says my host."
"Uhh, how much", I squeal.
"Ten rand each", says my host.
"I'll take them", I whisper.
I know now that, not only am I the unluckiest person in Maseru, I am also the most pathetic.

Later that night
Wayne comes upon a group of 20+ cattleman about to hang a sheep herder for just being a sheepherder.
"Cut him loose", says Wayne.
"Mind your own business, mister", says the leader of the cattleman.
"I'll buy his sheep. Cut him loose", says Wayne.
"Who are you", says the cattleman and 40++ eyes glare at Wayne while 20+ hands get ready to move toward holsters.
"Jacob McCandles", says Wayne
"I thought you was dead", says the cattleman, wide-eyed.
"Not Hardly", says Wayne.
The sheep herder is let loose and 80++++ horse feet gallop away,--- sheepishly.

Still Later that night
The shooting has just ended. His grandson who was a hostage is safe. His dog and his long time Indian friend are dead. The 47 bad guys are massacred. The chief bad guy, played by Richard Boone, has just had is innards shotgunned away and is on the verge dying.
"Who are you", he says as he looks up at Wayne towering over him.
"Jacob McCandles", says Wayne.
"I thought you was dead", says Boone.
"Not hardly", says Wayne.

I want to puke. But what the hey, It's a 'new' movie. I'm in ecstasy.

The end

What can I say, guy and gal. Sometimes it just flows out of my brain. Kind of like diarrhea. Don't be surprised if I make this a Quick Note and it gets put on the web. Then you can read it again and tell all your friends about it.
Thanks for movies,
Love
PIZZAN

So what can I say folks. I have been so remiss about getting out newsletters and quicknotes that now I am plagiarizing my own emails for material. One of the previous Quicknotes was also an email. It was a letter from one of the missionary pilots telling his wife about his experiences in flood ravaged Mozambique. Comparing the two, one better understands the epigram "From the banal to the sublime". I suppose in this case, since his email was first, it should be "From the sublime to the banal'. Gotta go - the movie is about to start!

The (real) end.
pz

updated 6/2/2000
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