Date: Mon, 16 Oct 1995 11:19:03
Revised: Fri, 12 Apr 1996; Fri, 11 Oct 1996, Fri, 15 Jan 1999
Subject:  hotline

RING . . .
RING . . .
CLICK

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

   If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
   If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
   If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
   If you have an oppositional defiant disorder, you must not press 7.
   If you are bulemic and recently gorged yourself, press 8.
   If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
   If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
   If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
   If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
   If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
   If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.
   If you have a repetition compulsion, hang up and press redial.
   If you are passive aggressive, put us on hold.
   If you have a conduct disorder, rip the phone off the wall.
   If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that
the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to
bite off your ear.
   If you have an attention deficit disorder, disregard these instructions.
   If you are in managed care, press the "star" and make a wish.
   If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, 
date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
   If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.
   If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or 
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
   If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory 
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have 
short-term memory loss, press 9.
   If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too 
busy to talk to you.